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Part of HuffPost Parenting. ©2021 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
Owning a white couch. Wearing designer clothing. Keeping your car clean. These are things that cannot happen when you bring little tornados — aka children — into your life.
The funny parents of Twitter certainly know this to be true, as they often share tales of their kids’ epic spills and destruction.
Below, we’ve rounded up 60 funny tweets that explain why parents can’t have nice things. Enjoy!
For Father’s Day my kids spilled me breakfast in bed.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 21, 2015
Cop: *arrives at my house* woah the burglars completely wrecked this place
Me, holding my toddler: the burglary was next door
— The Dad (@thedad) March 19, 2020
*points to yogurt my 5 yr old spilled on the couch*
THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS
*storms away, trips over my purse and spills wine*— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 12, 2017
Did you know that 2 cups of Rice Krispies can cover an area of over 5 feet? Did you also know that the Krispies can be spilled & crushed in the time it takes an adult woman to pee?
I do. Now.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) February 25, 2018
When it comes down to it, parenting is basically snuggling and slowly watching everything you’ve ever owned be destroyed.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) October 19, 2014
If your house doesn’t look like it was hit by a tornado during an earthquake, then I question whether you really have kids.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2014
Optimists see the cup half-full.
Pessimists see the cup half-empty.
Parents of toddlers see the cup spilled all over the floor.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) July 9, 2020
A three step guide to parenting:
See beautiful white couch
Remember your life
Buy wine instead
— CurrentlyCaprece (@MommieKnwsFresh) July 29, 2016
One of our kids spilled a container of glitter so now we have to move
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 9, 2019
Last night my kids left the van door open which ended up doing me a favor, because instead of having to clean up 30 spilled potato chips, all I had to pick up was 1 squirrel turd.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 24, 2019
With burglaries on the rise, I feel it’s my duty to let y’all know my kids destroyed any valuables I may have had long ago.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) November 21, 2019
a constant war in my head is wondering if I should find out why the kids are quiet vs letting them continue making a mess because they’re leaving me alone
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 19, 2021
My 8yo shattered my ipad. My toddler pissed on my couch. My daughter bit my nipple so hard my face hurts. I’m drinking all the beer.
— Courtney (@Discourt) September 5, 2012
My 4yo grabbed the egg off my egg and cheese sandwich, put it on her plate, took a bite of it and then grabbed the rest in her hand, squeezed it shut and handed it back to me saying she didn’t want it anymore. And this… THIS, is why I can’t have nice things.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 2, 2020
6-year-old: My room is clean.
Me: It’s a disaster.
6: It’s clean if you don’t look at it.
Schrödinger’s mess.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 29, 2020
Oh look, a room we haven’t completely destroyed yet.
-Kids on Christmas break.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 31, 2017
I’ve come to grips with the fact that I have some kid-related stain or glitter on everything I own.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) February 28, 2015
The baby spilled my Bloody Mary all over the carpet and now I have to get it replaced…
Anyone know where I can find a decent baby?
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) August 16, 2015
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms. Sorry we completely wrecked the house trying to make it special for you.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 10, 2020
Childless friend: Dude our cat is so destructive. It’s gonna ruin our couch someday
Me pulling a bag of flour and shattered iPad out of the dryer: Oh wow sorry to hear that man— The Dad (@thedad) December 29, 2018
A typical cup holds about 8 ounces of liquid.
But if a child spills it, that number increases to 8 gallons.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) July 13, 2020
Me: What happened, you spilled your juice?
2yo: Yeah.
Me: It’s ok, was it an accident?
2yo: No.
Me: Aw, ok let’s clean it- wait. what?— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 21, 2017
You don’t know fear until your see your 7 yo eating a blue popsicle on someone else’s white sofa.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) August 9, 2016
I moved the toilet paper so my 1-year-old couldn’t grab it
Instead she tore the empty toilet paper holder off the wall
Nature finds a way
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 4, 2016
I just got asked if I’m enjoying my “vacation from work” being a SAHM. Why just a little bit ago I pulled a toy from the toilet while the gentle waves of sewer water lapped around my arm and spilled ever so gently onto my feet. Much like the beach, In hell.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) December 9, 2019
Hey, did you know that tornadoes are unpredictable? They often show up suddenly, and can change direction on a dime, so there’s very little time to prepare for the chaos. And, of course, they destroy EVERYTHING.
Anyway I think my 3 year old may be part tornado somebody help
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) December 10, 2019
11 dirty cups, two time-outs, 3 fights broken up, one sword confiscated, & a bowl of soup spilled on the rug.
IT’S ONLY 9:15am, PEOPLE.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 19, 2017
A totally logical thing about parenting is when you find yourself consoling a child who is hysterically crying because they spilled their drink all over your furniture.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 18, 2019
toddler: can I play with bubbles?
me: no, last time you spilled it
toddler: I’m not gonna spill it
Narrator: the toddler spilled all of it instantly, again
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) November 7, 2019
Kids: *break toy*
Me: This is why we can’t have nice things.
…
Me: That’s wikkity wikkity whack.
Kids: This is why we can’t have people over.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 29, 2020
Without kids I would have never known the joy of cleaning a spilled bottle of glue out of a backpack at 6 AM.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 15, 2017
Me: Clean up.
4-year-old: Why?
Me: You made a mess.
4: But that part was fun.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 26, 2020
My dearest children: You are the reason I wake up every morning. The reason I breathe. And most importantly, the reason we can’t have nice things.
— Unremarkable Files (@ThatEvansLady) May 25, 2020
I set my kids up with mugs of hot chocolate over a white carpet so I, too, like to live dangerously.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) February 23, 2020
A heads up that if you’re toddler comes into the room and says “mommy nothing happened”, something definitely fucking happened. Hopefully you’re kids a self-snitch like mine and also immediately shows you what he broke
— amil (@amil) July 13, 2020
90% of the clean things in my house are only that way because I had to wipe them down after my kids spilled something.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 17, 2019
[parents on the phone]
It’s going ok PLEASE DON’T LICK HER idk if we’ll be able to WHO SPILLED WATER ALL OVER THE FLOOR go eat lunch with you GET OFF THE TABLE i’ll txt you later OMG IS THIS POOP?! bye.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) November 12, 2019
My childless friend extended her child raising tips to me so I let the toddler skip his nap, sugared them all up and headed to her white furniture home armed with red kool-aid pouches, Kidz Bop and slime.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) December 2, 2019
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that in 2012 my 3y.o. secretly ate her way through three of her sibling’s chocolate Advent calendars… then stole the toothpaste to “clean off the chocolate.”
She’s 11 & we still can’t have nice things like chocolate calendars. pic.twitter.com/qVDCCpjFgN
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) December 8, 2020
That’s a mom for you. Kids looking cute as they wanna be & you look down to see a giant stain on your shirt & chipped nail polish ;/
— Reagan Gomez (@ReaganGomez) October 21, 2010
Every time I see a “FOR SALE” sign in front of a house I just assume that a kid in there spilled glitter on the carpet.
— The Dad (@thedad) June 5, 2018
Dear “Influencers,”
If you’re a Mom and have a white couch, carpet or shirt, I’m out.
You clearly are not my people.
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) May 28, 2020
Not to brag, but my kids are able to demonstrate at least two definitions of the word “broke” on a daily basis.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) October 15, 2018
My son just rode his scooter into the family room & onto my white carpet.
School cannot reopen soon enough.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 30, 2015
Wife: *watching 4-year-old* I think she’s sick.
Me: How can you tell?
Wife: She hasn’t destroyed anything all day.
Me: *calls the doctor*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 8, 2020
Kid: *slides through spilled juice*
*walks over legos*
*jumps over a pile of toys*
*steps on scattered crayons*
“Mom, what are my chores today?”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 13, 2019
“Mom, have you lost weight?” is teenager for “I broke something really expensive that you don’t know about yet.”
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) May 4, 2020
The 2 year old dumped 4 loads of folded laundry. Just like that, I’m 5 and someone wrecked my Lego tower.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) January 4, 2014
You might say the area rug in my living room is dirty.
I might say it’s an *off-white color.
*Been wrecked by my kids.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) May 28, 2018
Pro tip: smelling the brown stain on kids clothing to determine if it’s chocolate is never a good idea.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) October 12, 2016
Our iPad’s screen shattered today, so I guess our kids are orphans now.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) August 5, 2019
Hot pink nail polish + four year old + white carpet = my Monday
— Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) March 19, 2012
Can’t wait to decorate the Christmas tree as a family, let’s see if we can break last year’s record of 4 shattered ornaments, 5 sibling fights, and 1 nervous breakdown from my wife that all the ornaments are bunched up at the bottom
— The Dad (@thedad) December 15, 2019
They say we can’t go to the zoo. Or the movies. Or the park. They say we can’t do anything we normally do, so we baked cookies as a family. The kids spilled half the batter. I used salt instead of sugar. My wife burned them. We all blamed each other, and things feel normal again.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 21, 2020
Me: *arrives at Thanksgiving with my hair on point and kids dressed in new outfits*
[4 hours later]
Me: *sitting on couch being climbed on by 3 kids with gravy spilled on their shirts and a slice of turkey in my hair*
My Mom: Let’s get a family picture!
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 24, 2017
“Mommy, there’s a leak in our house” is code for “I spilled my pineapple+apple+kale+spinach+ginger+lemon smoothie on the white carpet.”
— Titania Jordan (@titaniajordan) February 11, 2014
Just remember, no matter how bad your day is going, there are some parents out there with white furniture
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) July 1, 2020
My toddler just ripped a leg off of her Barbie doll and then used it as a baseball bat and that is cooler than anything I did at work today.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 10, 2018
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 4, 2016
Cook for your kids and they’ll eat and not help clean up.
Teach your kids to cook and they’ll eat and not help clean up a way worse mess.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) May 27, 2020
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